cell phone into the bathroom
June 19th, 2020 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

“But what if I get bored?” you ask.

Can it. Your cell phone can wait. If you’re a Millenial or a Gen Z Zoomer, it’s very likely that you are addicted to having your cell phone on you at all times. You use it while watching a movie. While playing a game. While laying in bed when you should be sleeping, While on a rollercoaster even though the park says not to take it on with you. And you take it with you when it’s time to drop the kids off at the pool.

Don’t do this. You are better than that. In an age of constant information overload, you don’t need that kind of negativity on the throne. Dropping a deuce is a chance to place yourself in a state of zen. Taking a dump is supposed to be an enjoyable, and enlightening experience. But no, you took your cellphone with you. You wanted to make sure Jimmy on Facebook knows that you liked that picture of his cat. Why though?

You don’t get many opportunities to take a break from technology. I’m being serious here. Serious face is on. How often do you get a break from your tech? Right now I have two screens on this computer, I have my phone next to me. There’s an additional desktop computer next to me that’s just turned on running Folding@Home. There’s a television in the room between the office and the bathroom.

Okay so maybe your setup is not like that. But you are probably looking at at least two screens or devices right now, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU? When does it end? I’ll tell you, it’s when you decide to take a break and drop the logs off. I mean, what were you planning on doing? Chatting with your fellow sh*tposter on FB messenger while you got your pants down? Nah.

Use the time to reflect while you literally take a load off. Find peace in yourself. Think for a moment. You see that sculpture by Auguste Rodin, The Thinker? The man is sitting there, deeply pondering. What’s he thinking about? I don’t know. But you think that’s a stone he’s sitting on? Think again. He’s taking a deuce. Got it? Now you can’t unsee it. Good.

Actual Message: Always remember to take a break from technology every now and again.

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super mario party can be played by anyone
January 10th, 2019 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

Mama Mini

You don’t actually need to be a hardcore gamer (or a hard mode gamer) to enjoy Super Mario Party. In fact, the level of skills you have may only affect some minigames, but even then, the board can still f*ck you over. But to play Super Mario Party, all you gotta do is hand off the controller and let them do a practice match before the real deal. Who did I play the game with when I found this out. It’s here in the video.

Super Mario can be played by anyone!
Also Peach is a cheating B*TCH.

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October 31st, 2018 by Vega Montanez

Oh, that’s not… Skeletor?

Kidding, of course, who would take me serious if I didn’t recognize Sir Dan. Let’s be honest. Sir Dan is one of the most mistreated PlayStation Icons of all time. He was there at the beginning of it all and then somehow just disappeared.

Fear not however, it’s Sir Dan’s time to shine. Rumors of a remake had been swirling for a little while and to the surprise of the hopeful, they were true. Sir Dan is back with a remake of the game that made him iconic. The horror/comedy Medievil is getting the full remake treatment. Much like Crash and Spyro, Sir Daniel Fortesque (not to be confused with fortnite) is ready to let the new generation experience the classic 3D platforms.

The announcement trailer arrived perfectly on this Halloween morning. You can check it out below.

https://youtu.be/19Dj520a3Og

Are you excited for the return of Sir Dan? Let us know in the comments section below.




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assassins creed cultural appropriation
October 9th, 2018 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

An erasure of ancient culture is upon us…

The Greek Historian Brotherhood, or GHB, has recently filed a complaint in Quebec. One of Ubisoft’s many various unique talents in game mastery, Ubisoft Quebec is responsible for the newest installment in this ongoing franchise. According to the district attorney’s office, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey was in direct violation of the terms set when they were chosen as the setting for the game.

The foreign minister of Greece, Nikos Kotzias, pointed out that the depiction of soldiers and warriors in Roman historical times were a misrepresentation of the country. Further, he cites that if people play the game and see the amount of violence contained within, tourism would decrease for the region. In a recent testimony made public by the local newspaper, Kotzias said:

“Greece is a fantastical place richly filled with the culture of civilization itself. To depict the ancient city as a place of gory violence does a discredit to the country. For in the preservation of history, and for the interest in the comon [sic] folk, this video game cannot be allowed to be distributed. Not in our humble country, it is completely outrageous. And more so, it is not truthful.”

In Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, you play as twin characters Evie and Jacob Frye, two Spartans who fought in the infamous “300” battle against the Turkish empire. The death animations are some of the most graphic and gratuitous in the history of the franchise. Many Greecians feel like this may make them come across as violent, though that is not the case.

Famous video game sales company in the country, Σταματήστε το παιχνίδι, has recently boycotted the game and refuse to stock shelves with it. They too are unhappy with the title. Recently, the CEO of the company, Ντόναλντ Τραμπ, put forward a statement.

“Ντόναλντ Τραμπ will not be selling Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, as it is a complete fabrication of our history. It is erasing our culture piece by piece, and we cannot endorse it.”

Assassin’s Creed has sold truckloads of money over the years, and this recent example isn’t even the first game to come under fire. Italy had its own complaints about Ezio Auditore da Firenze from the Assassin’s Creed 2 trilogy.

Despite this news, many Greeks are hotly anticipating the title, as slightly buggy open world games with choppy cutscenes have recently become popular over there. Odyssey ticks all right boxes, so it only makes sense that they would want to play it. Hopefully, Greece will change its mind soon enough, or the gamers of Greece are going to rise up.

In case the gratuitous factual errors didn’t make it clear enough, this article is in fact, satire.




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megaman 11
October 1st, 2018 by Kleev

I’d rather be playing Mighty No. 9

There is no way I am spending money on MegaMan 11. The only thing anyone can do to make me play MegaMan 11 is to buy me the game or give me 70% worth its price. I would only pay less than half the game. But the problem is that’s out of character for me. I dont make people do that so there are no options You want a review? Here you go.

Mighty no. 9 is better than this cartoony, uninspired crap. The explosions look great tho, no pizzas! 🍕🍕🍕 But, what about the story? It doesn’t seem to be focused on story. The last 10 games had more or less the same story, no reason this would be any different. Except maybe they will put 1 or 2 unique things to make it not a basic copy paste. Like, Mr. X and the contest of robots masters from all over the world in MegaMan 6 instead of Dr. Wily. Whatever.

MegaMan is known for his cool pew pew pew and other 8 bit classic sounds, or 16 bit classic sounds too. This sounds like a very realistic game, completely unappealing for MegaMan. As for the music? Most uninspired garbage ever, designed to be background noise at best. This allows the sound effects and obnoxious character / enemy voices to be cheard in full, terrible detail. But, at least there’s some good MegaMan action, this part is mostly unchanged except for extra things, which are welcome. It’s a hard game too just like the classics, but with more tools to help the ‘evolved gamer’ of today. You can slow down time or temporarily be more powerful. I’m all about that classic difficulty.

One third of the game can possibly be fun, because only the gameplay is good. Honestly, even if the gameplay is good, it’s still a very simple jump and shoot MegaMan game where you die lots, which was only enjoyable to me because the graphics and music used to be nice in older games. MegaMan 11 is closer to being flappy bird. I did NOT want to go through a level again after dying because it would be so boring. If i had to rate just the fun, it would be 0.25/5 but I was told I have to use whole numbers, so I’ll just say 1/5. This review is entirely based on the playable demo for Megaman 11. I am a fan who has played every single version of every Megaman game ever made (except DOS, fuck that). The demo did not interest me in any way to this new installment. It will be out on October 2nd, maybe you’ll enjoy it more? I just can’t.

The editor-in-chief can confirm the reviewer’s Megaman skills and affinity for the series.




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September 19th, 2018 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

The master of conspiracies falls further…

Purveyor of critical thinking and sociopolitical happenings, Alex Jones has once again come under fire from mainstream outlets. Only instead of social media, it’s social gaming. A recent post on infowars.com sheds light on the subject. During one of his radio shows, Jones points out “the globalists are trying to discourage us by taking away our games!” It turns out, that his official Xbox Live Gold and PlayStation Network Plus subscriptions have both been terminated. His profile was also removed, causing him to lose over 113 cloud save files that he can never get back. He has appealed this ruling but it’s not likely to change.

Alex continues, pointing out that he’s “fighting the good fight” and ending the scourge of the lizard people in Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. He’s stated several times how excited he was for Black Ops IIII but it seems those dreams of fighting the elite are dead. Jones was also a very big fan of DOOM (2016) and has posted several let’s play videos. Many of them highlight just how passionate of a gamer he is. He frequently reminds his viewers that the antagonist of the game is, in fact, a phony Hillary Clinton.

As the head spokesperson for the entire alt-right movement, Jones vehemently defends most first-person shooter games. The fake news companies constantly report these games can be harmful and dangerous. But Alex insists that first-person shooters are just a celebration of the second amendment and regularly donates the proceeds of his gaming patreon to the NRA. It is no longer known how he will continue to support the cause with this most recent ousting in the game-o-sphere.

Reportedly, Jones is looking to purchase a Nintendo Switch. It appears that he now sees that the ink in Splatoon 2 is turning the frogs gay, and that just won’t fly with him. As is required by Nintendo, he will have to join the Nintendo Creators Program to post his gameplay footage. All that’s left is for him to find another web video outlet that will allow his content to be presented. AJ is currently looking at websites like DailyMotion, Vimeo, and PornHub.




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May 24th, 2018 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

I mean I just asked for one little favor and the next thing I know I’m making ink sacrifices.

This deal’s getting worse all the time! Conversion clip @ 23:00 if you want to spoil the rest of the video that I worked REALLY HARD on making just for you.

Also this.




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December 6th, 2017 by Stefan Adrian "AdminMas7er" Robu

Oh my god, they killed it!

South Park: The Fractured But Whole is an RPG set in the South Park Universe, it was developed by Ubisoft San Francisco with the help of South Park Digital Studios and published by Ubisoft. It was released on October 17th 2017 for Xbox One, PlayStation 4, and PC, being the sequel to the Stick of Truth. The game has received a lot of help from the creators of the hit TV show, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, using source material to keep the game true to the show’s controversial and comical universe.

[Reviewed on PC]

GRAPHICS: 1/2

Graphics-wise, it’s actually staying true to the cartoon style of the show, everything looking almost exactly like it does on the show. This makes it seem like it is actually an interactive episode of South Park, which is a good thing in my book. One thing to notice is that the game runs on the Snowdrop engine, the same engine that powered The Division, showing how flexible the engine is, but makes the optimization deceitful. This means that TFBW it is a bit more demanding of lower end systems and most mid-tier laptops with a dedicated GPU. This is surprising given the visual fidelity of the game, it really doesn’t look like it should demand a whole lot from your system, but somehow it does.

AUDIO: 1/2

The audio is not deeply memorable, but it does not have a great soundtrack, something that I would call significant in other games. But it is inspired off superhero films, and more acts like a filler to make fights a bit more alive. Voice acting gets a good point out of it due to it being genuine and staying true to the show. Whereas many other video game developers either opt-in to get the best in the business or try to find their best sound-alikes, South Park is blessed with it’s recognizable (and affordable) cast that are pertinent to the impact of the show. Eric Cartman wouldn’t be the same without his trademark Cartman voice.

STORY: 2/2

The plot is set exactly one day after the Stick of Truth ends, where we take control of New Kid once again, this time dropping the fantasy theme for a more modern super-hero plot, where Cartman and his friends decide to search for a missing cat so they can get 100$ to kick-start their own franchise. This takes them through different conflict plotlines and sub-plots in between, such as the Civil War -inspired conflict between Coon and Friends (Cartman, Kyle,Clyde, Jimmy and Craig) and the Freedom Pals (Timmy, Kenny, Stan, Tweek, Token) or against Professor Chaos (Butters). Character-Wise, pretty much all the characters are from the show, the kids taking obvious Marvel insipred super-hero personas and, well, other iconic characters such as Randy, Mr Mackney, the PC Principal, Father Maxi, Jesus and the list goes on. I mean, we even have the obvious Morgan Freeman running a taco shop. The plot is pretty interesting, however I wouldn’t really call it ground-breaking. However it has its funny moments, which are a lot, and well, some are sexual, some are offensive and some are just fart jokes. The dialouge is really good, especially since it is amplified by the original voice actors and the small chit-chat and occasional information from the bystanders is pretty interesting. Overall, the story plot does not take itself too serious and it is a welcome comedic break from all the gritty “important” stories from other games released this year.

GAMEPLAY: 1/2

TFBW takes a 2.5D style in combat, allowing for more freedom in your engagements compared to the previous game. New Kid will progressively have access to all 10 classes as we progress through the game, being able to equip abilities from all these classes, 4 at a time, giving the player more freedom in customizing his skills. The companion system is back, allowing you to pick additional 3 companions to help you during the fight, each having unique abilities according to his archetype. For example, Kyle the Human Kite is a support, being able to heal his allies, while Super Craig is a tank which can taunt enemies. Another element that’s returning is turn-based combat, instead this time it takes place on a grid thanks to the 2.5 D system, the characters being able to move freely around the grid. Attacks also affect different areas of the grid. Because of this, the combat is really well done, being a part that is heavily improved from the first game. One downgrade from the first game is the fact that your gear no longer affects your gear level, instead the system is now based on artifacts, which increases your Might, one part which offers more freedom in how you look, but tones down on the RPG element of the game.

FUN: 2/2

South Park TFBW is a really, really interesting game. t is a welcome comedic break from other games released like Halo, Gears, Assasin’s Creed, adding nuance to Ubisoft’s lineup of games. It is an okay RPG, but what makes this game fun is the South Park aspect, seeing the kids act as superheroes with improvised costumes, made-up lairs, red building bricks as lava and much more. Combined with the crude but a bit toned down humor of south park to make this sequel censor-free, it is a more unique game and a somewhat easy to learn RPG that makes it stand out more than other game released this year

I do recommend it, even though I didn’t have as much fun with it, it should be in your backlog list as one of those games to be played when you are really bored. It is available now for PC, PS4 and Xbox One, but I do not see it as a $60 buy due to some of its flaws and how it is made more for South Park fans rather than the average gamer. I’m not saying you won’t enjoy it if you are not into South Park, but if you love the show, this should be a pick up for you!

SCORE: 7/10




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