assassins creed 3 remaster
May 6th, 2019 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

Why are people trying to make it look worse?

Assassins Creed III is the latest game from Ubisoft to receive the “Remaster” treatment. Pretty much all of their games have now been upgraded or started that way. Even Assassins Creed 1 has Xbox One X enhancements. Yet still, there are a plethora of videos popping up. They show the new remaster looking much worse than the original. This isn’t even the first time this has been done. Assassins Creed, the Ezio Trilogy was also lambasted for looking worse. However, in that case, it didn’t actually look worse. Polygon just chose to only show off stuff that looks worse. It included a bug that has nothing to do with the remaster. And here they are doing it again. The character models may look like clay, but everything else in the game looks far better than it ever did before. Here’s why.

Also, it’s free if you had the season pass for Assassins Creed Odyssey. Considering that the standalone game or the season pass both cost 40, you should definitely buy the latter.




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May 4th, 2019 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

Feminists everywhere love the realism of this art.

We all know that the body positivity movement is constantly under attack. Sexist and hateful bigots everywhere say it’s bad. We know this simply isn’t true. Women are healthy at every size. It takes a strong and bold woman to prove to the haters that their hate is all lies.

You’ve seen many fat acceptance renditions of all your favorite comic book heroes, video game characters, and Disney princesses. Re-drawings like those are reshaping the very paradigm of sex. A new culture is emerging and proving to everyone that women are beautiful. However, there have been certain issues with some more recent characters. We just don’t have enough of the perfect feminist role models in media. When we do, the characters are still very problematic. A whole army of people trolled the tolerant studio Bioware because their beautiful female protagonist wasn’t sexy enough for them.

We just don’t have enough of the perfect feminist role models in media.

Now we have the default star of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, Kassandra. Although she is both very strong and smart, her appearance in the game needs to be unpacked. She has really big muscles for woman, and that’s a completely unrealistic standard. In order to get that big and muscular, she would have to go the the gym twice per day to look that good. But because it’s in Ancient Rome, they didn’t have gyms back then. So there’s nothing that can be done about that. She would also need to drink bulking powder and that didn’t exist back then either.

Fret not. We went to tumblr and found the perfect recreation of this iconic new character. Jessica Goldberg from @goldenbergerarts on the site had all the skill needed to show people what Assassins Creed needed. In true response for tolerance and peace of the women’s mind, this version was created. Now THIS is what feminine beauty is supposed to look like! Share this post everywhere. The manbabies on the far right hate it when people draw accurate representations of the better sex. You can already taste the toxic male tears.

Thankfully, this post was SATIRE in case you weren’t tipped off by “Ancient Rome”.



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controversy assassins creed odyssey
January 26th, 2019 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

What’s the big deal?

What’s the big deal? It seems there’s a group of people out there who have a problem with how the second piece of Assassins Creedy Odyssey’s DLC ended. Legacy of the First Blade is now on chapter 2, Shadow Heritage. And heritage it has. The game lets you widely make your own decisions and choose how the events unfold. But in the ending of this particular piece of content, the ending is forced upon you.

Now, certain ‘special interest groups’ on the net have been foaming at the mouth, angry with this transgression. And the ‘who cares’ brigade has been firing back on them. This ending was such a big deal that eventually, Ubisoft folded an announced that they will change the ending. This hasn’t happened since Mass Effect 3, although that was a much bigger issues overall. The damage is done and the future is uncertain. We have no choice but to wait.

We are now accepting DONATIONS. Please and thank you.

controversy assassins creed odyssey, not satire

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assassins creed odyssey 80 dollar
November 2nd, 2018 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

The 80 Dollar Experience

In recent times, it seems as though 60 dollars does not actually pay for the “whole experience”. With pieces missing from the game should you choose to buy the “base version” you are forced to miss out on certain perks and benefits. Sometimes it’s big, other times it’s small. But this, this is egregious. Ubisoft made a perfectly functional game and then chose to make it a bit on the grindy side, compared to other AC titles. There’s a boost pack than increases your money and EXP by and extra 50%, and then they have the nerve to charge 1500 helix points for it. It costs $20 to buy enough of these transaction credits and you’ll have some left over, but you can’t afford the upgrade on the lower tier. AC: Odyssey is an amazing and LARGE game. But, essentially, they are selling it for $80 by making you feel obligated to purchase this pack. Unless you really want to be a completionist and don’t mind random crap between missions, this is necessary. Not just side missions, you need to actually go to random ? points on the map and do just a very basic encounter to earn the EXP needed to progress in the story. It’s crap. Have a look.




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assassins creed cultural appropriation
October 9th, 2018 by Kurt "Chet" Christel

An erasure of ancient culture is upon us…

The Greek Historian Brotherhood, or GHB, has recently filed a complaint in Quebec. One of Ubisoft’s many various unique talents in game mastery, Ubisoft Quebec is responsible for the newest installment in this ongoing franchise. According to the district attorney’s office, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey was in direct violation of the terms set when they were chosen as the setting for the game.

The foreign minister of Greece, Nikos Kotzias, pointed out that the depiction of soldiers and warriors in Roman historical times were a misrepresentation of the country. Further, he cites that if people play the game and see the amount of violence contained within, tourism would decrease for the region. In a recent testimony made public by the local newspaper, Kotzias said:

“Greece is a fantastical place richly filled with the culture of civilization itself. To depict the ancient city as a place of gory violence does a discredit to the country. For in the preservation of history, and for the interest in the comon [sic] folk, this video game cannot be allowed to be distributed. Not in our humble country, it is completely outrageous. And more so, it is not truthful.”

In Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, you play as twin characters Evie and Jacob Frye, two Spartans who fought in the infamous “300” battle against the Turkish empire. The death animations are some of the most graphic and gratuitous in the history of the franchise. Many Greecians feel like this may make them come across as violent, though that is not the case.

Famous video game sales company in the country, Σταματήστε το παιχνίδι, has recently boycotted the game and refuse to stock shelves with it. They too are unhappy with the title. Recently, the CEO of the company, Ντόναλντ Τραμπ, put forward a statement.

“Ντόναλντ Τραμπ will not be selling Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, as it is a complete fabrication of our history. It is erasing our culture piece by piece, and we cannot endorse it.”

Assassin’s Creed has sold truckloads of money over the years, and this recent example isn’t even the first game to come under fire. Italy had its own complaints about Ezio Auditore da Firenze from the Assassin’s Creed 2 trilogy.

Despite this news, many Greeks are hotly anticipating the title, as slightly buggy open world games with choppy cutscenes have recently become popular over there. Odyssey ticks all right boxes, so it only makes sense that they would want to play it. Hopefully, Greece will change its mind soon enough, or the gamers of Greece are going to rise up.

In case the gratuitous factual errors didn’t make it clear enough, this article is in fact, satire.




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