Feminists everywhere love the realism of this art.
We all know that the body positivity movement is constantly under attack. Sexist and hateful bigots everywhere say it’s bad. We know this simply isn’t true. Women are healthy at every size. It takes a strong and bold woman to prove to the haters that their hate is all lies.
You’ve seen many fat acceptance renditions of all your favorite comic book heroes, video game characters, and Disney princesses. Re-drawings like those are reshaping the very paradigm of sex. A new culture is emerging and proving to everyone that women are beautiful. However, there have been certain issues with some more recent characters. We just don’t have enough of the perfect feminist role models in media. When we do, the characters are still very problematic. A whole army of people trolled the tolerant studio Bioware because their beautiful female protagonist wasn’t sexy enough for them.
We just don’t have enough of the perfect feminist role models in media.
Now we have the default star of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, Kassandra. Although she is both very strong and smart, her appearance in the game needs to be unpacked. She has really big muscles for woman, and that’s a completely unrealistic standard. In order to get that big and muscular, she would have to go the the gym twice per day to look that good. But because it’s in Ancient Rome, they didn’t have gyms back then. So there’s nothing that can be done about that. She would also need to drink bulking powder and that didn’t exist back then either.
Fret not. We went to tumblr and found the perfect recreation of this iconic new character. Jessica Goldberg from @goldenbergerarts on the site had all the skill needed to show people what Assassins Creed needed. In true response for tolerance and peace of the women’s mind, this version was created. Now THIS is what feminine beauty is supposed to look like! Share this post everywhere. The manbabies on the far right hate it when people draw accurate representations of the better sex. You can already taste the toxic male tears.
Thankfully, this post was SATIRE in case you weren’t tipped off by “Ancient Rome”.
Robots forgo hostile human takeover and settle for subjugating us by making addictive video games instead.
Ubisoft, has found a winning formula for their video games. We all know this. And they are sticking to it like a bear on honey. For one thing, almost any game from them will have an absolutely gargantuan map. That and an absolute ton of copy-pasted assets. These same games also follow a pretty simple formula. From Ghost Recon Wildlands, to FarCry, to Assassins Creed, your goal in the game is very simple. You open your map screen, there’s a bunch of things to do. You click on one of the things, and then you go there to do the thing. Then the game rewards you for doing the thing. Then it gives you some things and then unlocking more things to click on and go to.
This “carrot on a stick” form of game design is utter genius. Many gamers, present company included, are perfectly content with these time-devouring opulent offerings. Ubisoft has never been more confident that they have a winning formula until now. Just look at their recent offerings. The Crew 2 is a game with a map that is vaguely the size of the entire USA. They loaded it up with a bunch of pinpoints full of races for different types of vehicles everywhere.
So it begins…
That’s why Ubisoft was proud to announce this in a recent PAX East interview. They want to take the design of their games to the next level. Starting production in May, Ubisoft New Jersey will start on their next Assassin’s Creed title. But this is no ordinary dev team, as Ubisoft New Jersey runs completely run by automation. That’s right, the dev is actually a smart AI called U.B.I.S.O.F.T. (Which is short for Universal Binary Interface Siumulator of Future Technology). Several UBISOFTs will be operating day and night to crank out the next edition of your favorite title.
Ubisoft producer Marc-Alexis Côté mused on this exciting event. “We already know how to make a game that everyone will want to play. We have it down to such a science, that we soon won’t need developers anymore. The UBISOFT AI is perfectly capable of replicating our formula. It has already designed the entire map of the next game. It’s 8 times the size of Odyssey”. When asked if this would decrease morale among the human developers of Ubisoft he was resolute. “Well, the elimination of jobs by robots is just part and parcel of living in a society.”
What’s next?
Right now, nobody, not even Ubisoft themselves, know what the plot of the next game will be. Not even the location. The robo-team at Ubisoft NJ will be performing its own internal company showcase. “Everything is so easy to make. Our AI team will be doing all tasks for this project. The script and the main character will be made by our robot friends. We’ve also asked them what they are going to do for voice talent. They said they’ll either hire somebody on their own, or they might even do the acting themselves! Isn’t that neat? They are so smart they literally don’t need any humans to help them make this game work.”
By the way, this interview? It was also performed by the UBISOFT AI. They used their network database of every Ubisoft E3 show ever. After, they constructed a hologram of Aicha Tyler to ask all these questions. The likeness was completely uncanny, including her saying really awkward things that made the entire audience uncomfortable. Digi-Tyler asked Marc if they even knew the title of the game, he admitted something interesting. “We aren’t sure what they are calling this new project yet. But they’ve already presented several working titles based on the titles of other games on the market. It will still be called Assassin’s Creed, but the subtitle is either going to be: Redemption, Revolution, Sisterhood, and Revelations IV.”
Right now the UBISOFT is downloading all the assets used from every Assassins Creed game ever made and will be making slight modifications to them so they look newer. Another arm of the AI has already started distributing random pins on their map where they will eventually add quests to. Expect to hear more about this at E3 this year. The current one.
In case the slow dip into insanity wasn’t enough to tell you, this article is SATIRE. Seriously, Ubisoft New Jersey? C’mon, you know better than that. A simulation of Aicha Tyler? Really? Actually no that would be pretty cool.
You don’t actually need to be a hardcore gamer (or a hard mode gamer) to enjoy Super Mario Party. In fact, the level of skills you have may only affect some minigames, but even then, the board can still f*ck you over. But to play Super Mario Party, all you gotta do is hand off the controller and let them do a practice match before the real deal. Who did I play the game with when I found this out. It’s here in the video.
The Greek Historian Brotherhood, or GHB, has recently filed a complaint in Quebec. One of Ubisoft’s many various unique talents in game mastery, Ubisoft Quebec is responsible for the newest installment in this ongoing franchise. According to the district attorney’s office, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey was in direct violation of the terms set when they were chosen as the setting for the game.
The foreign minister of Greece, Nikos Kotzias, pointed out that the depiction of soldiers and warriors in Roman historical times were a misrepresentation of the country. Further, he cites that if people play the game and see the amount of violence contained within, tourism would decrease for the region. In a recent testimony made public by the local newspaper, Kotzias said:
“Greece is a fantastical place richly filled with the culture of civilization itself. To depict the ancient city as a place of gory violence does a discredit to the country. For in the preservation of history, and for the interest in the comon [sic] folk, this video game cannot be allowed to be distributed. Not in our humble country, it is completely outrageous. And more so, it is not truthful.”
In Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, you play as twin characters Evie and Jacob Frye, two Spartans who fought in the infamous “300” battle against the Turkish empire. The death animations are some of the most graphic and gratuitous in the history of the franchise. Many Greecians feel like this may make them come across as violent, though that is not the case.
Famous video game sales company in the country, Σταματήστε το παιχνίδι, has recently boycotted the game and refuse to stock shelves with it. They too are unhappy with the title. Recently, the CEO of the company, Ντόναλντ Τραμπ, put forward a statement.
“Ντόναλντ Τραμπ will not be selling Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, as it is a complete fabrication of our history. It is erasing our culture piece by piece, and we cannot endorse it.”
Assassin’s Creed has sold truckloads of money over the years, and this recent example isn’t even the first game to come under fire. Italy had its own complaints about Ezio Auditore da Firenze from the Assassin’s Creed 2 trilogy.
Despite this news, many Greeks are hotly anticipating the title, as slightly buggy open world games with choppy cutscenes have recently become popular over there. Odyssey ticks all right boxes, so it only makes sense that they would want to play it. Hopefully, Greece will change its mind soon enough, or the gamers of Greece are going to rise up.
In case the gratuitous factual errors didn’t make it clear enough, this article is in fact, satire.
There is no way I am spending money on MegaMan 11. The only thing anyone can do to make me play MegaMan 11 is to buy me the game or give me 70% worth its price. I would only pay less than half the game. But the problem is that’s out of character for me. I dont make people do that so there are no options You want a review? Here you go.
Mighty no. 9 is better than this cartoony, uninspired crap. The explosions look great tho, no pizzas! 🍕🍕🍕 But, what about the story? It doesn’t seem to be focused on story. The last 10 games had more or less the same story, no reason this would be any different. Except maybe they will put 1 or 2 unique things to make it not a basic copy paste. Like, Mr. X and the contest of robots masters from all over the world in MegaMan 6 instead of Dr. Wily. Whatever.
MegaMan is known for his cool pew pew pew and other 8 bit classic sounds, or 16 bit classic sounds too. This sounds like a very realistic game, completely unappealing for MegaMan. As for the music? Most uninspired garbage ever, designed to be background noise at best. This allows the sound effects and obnoxious character / enemy voices to be cheard in full, terrible detail. But, at least there’s some good MegaMan action, this part is mostly unchanged except for extra things, which are welcome. It’s a hard game too just like the classics, but with more tools to help the ‘evolved gamer’ of today. You can slow down time or temporarily be more powerful. I’m all about that classic difficulty.
One third of the game can possibly be fun, because only the gameplay is good. Honestly, even if the gameplay is good, it’s still a very simple jump and shoot MegaMan game where you die lots, which was only enjoyable to me because the graphics and music used to be nice in older games. MegaMan 11 is closer to being flappy bird. I did NOT want to go through a level again after dying because it would be so boring. If i had to rate just the fun, it would be 0.25/5 but I was told I have to use whole numbers, so I’ll just say 1/5. This review is entirely based on the playable demo for Megaman 11. I am a fan who has played every single version of every Megaman game ever made (except DOS, fuck that). The demo did not interest me in any way to this new installment. It will be out on October 2nd, maybe you’ll enjoy it more? I just can’t.
The editor-in-chief can confirm the reviewer’s Megaman skills and affinity for the series.
Purveyor of critical thinking and sociopolitical happenings, Alex Jones has once again come under fire from mainstream outlets. Only instead of social media, it’s social gaming. A recent post on infowars.com sheds light on the subject. During one of his radio shows, Jones points out “the globalists are trying to discourage us by taking away our games!” It turns out, that his official Xbox Live Gold and PlayStation Network Plus subscriptions have both been terminated. His profile was also removed, causing him to lose over 113 cloud save files that he can never get back. He has appealed this ruling but it’s not likely to change.
Alex continues, pointing out that he’s “fighting the good fight” and ending the scourge of the lizard people in Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. He’s stated several times how excited he was for Black Ops IIII but it seems those dreams of fighting the elite are dead. Jones was also a very big fan of DOOM (2016) and has posted several let’s play videos. Many of them highlight just how passionate of a gamer he is. He frequently reminds his viewers that the antagonist of the game is, in fact, a phony Hillary Clinton.
As the head spokesperson for the entire alt-right movement, Jones vehemently defends most first-person shooter games. The fake news companies constantly report these games can be harmful and dangerous. But Alex insists that first-person shooters are just a celebration of the second amendment and regularly donates the proceeds of his gaming patreon to the NRA. It is no longer known how he will continue to support the cause with this most recent ousting in the game-o-sphere.
Reportedly, Jones is looking to purchase a Nintendo Switch. It appears that he now sees that the ink in Splatoon 2 is turning the frogs gay, and that just won’t fly with him. As is required by Nintendo, he will have to join the Nintendo Creators Program to post his gameplay footage. All that’s left is for him to find another web video outlet that will allow his content to be presented. AJ is currently looking at websites like DailyMotion, Vimeo, and PornHub.
